I AM THE FACE - October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I am 1 in 4.

 

So many other women I know are too.

 

Today... like most days I think of the pregnancy we lost - it is never really far from my mind.   I still think is is especially difficult because we haven't gotten pregnant since our loss - but we are working on it.   I also think of friends and family members I know who have lost a pregnancy, who have lost babies... and the ones who have lost both a pregnancy and a baby. 

 

It sucks.  It is sad.  It is so unfair.  

I am 1 in 4.

 

Remembering...

I had two Macys' giftcards left over from one of my bridal showers.  Last weekend I ordered this charm for my Pandora bracelet... to remember our baby we lost in November.

It arrived this afternoon.  I put it on my Pandora bracelet... and I love it. The feet look dirty in this pic... but it is just the lighting.

Constant Reminders of What Should've Been...

Yesterday was the first day since November 9th that I haven't cried.  November 9th was supposed to be my first appointment... where I left with all sorts of pregnancy information and a little sonogram picture that I could take home and use to create our Christmas cards.  But that isn't what I left with...

The hits keep coming...

I really wish Baby Center who I have unsubscribed from...and emailed... would stop sending me updates on the baby I am no longer having... because I can guarantee what they think my baby looks like now... is no longer accurate.

And I am kicking myself for signing up for a free subscription soon after I found out I was pregnant to Baby Talk magazine... because that arrived in the mail today-

And I am not sure how I ended up on an email list for a formula company... but those emails could stop coming too...because there are no family beginnings happening in this house...

Then of course this bill comes in the mail today.  We have pretty good health insurance through my husband's employer that we pay A LOT for each week.  When I pay A LOT for our health insurance I don't expect to pay A LOT of additional expenses out of pocket.  I got a bill today for $311.63.  Now I had three different sonograms.... one on the 9th (where I was told my dating was wrong...it was too early...come back in a week), one on the 17th (where I was told nope... we were wrong...there isn't a live baby in there... and there hasn't been for some time), and one on December 2 (yep... all is clear... there are no more baby remnants inside of you?.  I expected to be hit hard out of pocket for the sonograms.  What I am having trouble swallowing... is the $120 fee... knocked down to $80.71 for our appointment with the OBGYN that took place after our second appointment...which went like this -

We waited and waited and waited to see someone.  She came in, sat down, and told us there was no baby.  That it had most likely died around six weeks.  As I sat there sobbing... she never offered me a tissue...instead I wiped my tears on my jacket.  She gave me three prescriptions and offered very little guidance for how to take the Cytotec to get the miscarriage going... didn't give me a sheet of paper with directions, nothing... Most of what she said was a blur... and I ended up Googling at home a week later before I used it to make sure I knew what to expect.   When I asked her what may have caused it... she insisted we come back in for a consultation prior to trying again... even though I had just seen my doctor back home for the same in July.  She made me feel like it was my fault. She offered us no answers, no sympathy, and no hope...and now I owe $80 for that?  It wasn't until out third ultrasound (which we haven't even been billed for) that I was able to meet with a doctor who had some compassion, who listened to my story, who listened to my plan for the future, and who offered me a tissue when I began to cry.   

I want to go a day without constant reminders of what happened... I just want to move on. 

Good News & Rude News

{I wrote this on Friday afternoon...}

This afternoon was my follow-up sonogram/appointment from the miscarriage.  I made the decision to stop at Target and Panera on the way in to the city.  About ten minutes into my trip someone cut me off... I then proceeded to spend the next ten minutes crying.

After a successful Target trip, I treated myself to a tasty lunch at Panera.  It is one of my favorite places.  Then I headed to the obgyn office.

Where I got to sit down in an office of pregnant women and moms with new babies.  Fun.  This lady and her mother walk in, she checks in, and I hear her ask at the desk if she is here for a check-up or just to talk to the doctor as a follow-up from her surgery.  She then asks about getting a letter about returning to work.  She looks sad and somber and has a seat near me.  A few minutes later a visibly pregnant woman and her husband walk in, go to sit down, and the pregnant woman recognizes this other woman.  She goes over to her, tells her how sorry she is, asks her how she is feeling...and THEN... she tells the woman (who has obviously just suffered a loss) that she is in fact here for her 20 week appointment.  I thought the other woman was going to lose it.  I almost started crying... my heart going out to this woman... who not only had to sit in this office (like me) knowing she wasn't expecting a baby but this "friend" of hers comes in... and then states the obvious.  I muttered "what an idiot" and just sat there...feeling so sad for this other lady...who like me was just waiting to be called back into a room.

This time I was brought back to a different sonogram room... this time the big screen on the wall was not turned on.  Once the sonographer left so I could get dressed, I looked at the printout.  It appeared to me there was no longer a sac... but I am no doctor.  I was sent back out to the waiting room...and within a few minutes I was called back again to meet with the doctor.

My husband and I were not impressed with the doctor we saw on the 17th who told us 100% there was no more baby.  Not so much for the news she shared, but for the way in which it was presented.   She was cold and withdrawn.  She let me sit there sobbing...wiping my tears on my jacket...and she never offered me a tissue.  I went in today knowing I would be seeing someone else, but fully ready to ask for a copy of my records because we would be going elsewhere for a future pregnancy.

Well the doctor I saw today was fabulous.  She listened to me... listened to my experience... offered me a tissue when I cried... and showed me compassion.  That was all I wanted the other week.  A little compassion.  She let me know everything was "cleared" and looked fine.  She asked about our journey to parenthood.  She asked about my birth with Madison.  She listened to me.  She heard me.  She gave me the go ahead to conceive again whenever I felt I was emotionally ready.  She agreed to see me again early on when we conceive again to see how things are going as she said she knew how comforting just knowing things were okay would be for the next time.  She actually is not an OB, so she wouldn't be able to deliver our baby, however when I explained to her our experience with the other doctor, she offered names of other practitioners in the practice she felt I would like.  I left feeling better...feeling hopeful...feeling like I mattered as a person and a patient.  I will be writing and sending her a thank you note.  I appreciate how she made me feel today.

I got in the car to find the song "I'll Be Missing You" on the radio...which was a little weird because it's a pretty old song. I felt good for once... Then i proceeded to cry most of the way home (it is about a 40 minute drive)

I will be okay.  I know we will eventually get the baby we want so desperately.  I am not sure when that will be.  I am not sure when I will feel emotionally ready... sometimes I feel like it will be next week... sometimes I feel like I will never be.  But I know I will.

I WAS Doing So Well... {and wedding cookie favors}

Yesterday I worked from 9-4.  After our Monday morning meeting my boss kept me on and asked me if I would be interested in more hours in 2012 (like TWELVE more) and of course I said yes.  Then I proceeded to tell her she most likely saved me from being forced by my husband to go back to work full-time. I am really enjoying my job...and even more so because I get to stay home.  I feel so fortunate to have this job.

Around 11 AM I felt like I was on labor while sitting at the kitchen table working.  No lie.  Contraction like pains...and lots of pressure.  It was BAD.  The physical pain of the miscarriage hasn't been that painful since early Friday morning of last week.  I loaded up on some prescription strength Tylenol and finished my work shift.

I worked on a cookie job yesterday as well for my cousin's wedding that is this weekend.  The cookies are going in the out of town guests bags.  I had labels designed from the great Etsy shop, The Preppy Ladybug. I had to run out last night to get bags for the packaging... I had three sizes which I thought would work... one was way too big and the other two were too small.  Luckily I got in and out of the store quickly with the right sized bags.  I loved the way they turned out and I hope the bride and groom enjoy them... I packed some extras for them.  I sent them off overnight from the post office this morning.

Chris, Madison, and I were invited to the wedding but decided not to attend as of yesterday...which I feel TERRIBLE about.  However, I still feel pretty wrecked both emotionally and physically.  This morning when I woke up I was in the kitchen making breakfast  I froze and became hunched over the counter and couldn't move.  The pains from yesterday were back and oh so bad.  After being able to move to a chair, some orange juice, and some more tylenol...they have remained fairly scarce and mild the rest of the day.

Aside from the physical issues... I am trying to be more upbeat, positive, and to get stuff done around our house.  I was having a great day today... I worked from 10-2...then I logged onto Facebook.  I have a cousin... who I love dearly...who is EXACTLY one week ahead of where we should be in our pregnancy.  She is 12 weeks today.  I should be 12 weeks a week from today.  Today she posted her first trimester had ended and she got to here her baby's heartbeat...and well I lost it.  Absolutely lost it. Now I have a headache...feel like crap...and want to get in bed.

I am sort of thankful I don't have to go to this wedding this weekend and see her.  Or hear about her baby to be.  I hid her posts on Facebook took.  I feel like a big bitch.  Oh well.  I know in time it will get easier and I will be able to be happy for other people who have what I should have, but right now, in this very instant I cannot be.

I am going back to the doctor's on Friday for a follow-up.  Sitting in an office with new babies and pregnant women should be a fun way to spend my Friday afternoon.

I WAS doing so well...

Even those that never fully bloom bring beauty into the world...

I haven't actually "miscarried" yet.  We were given three choices when at the doctor's office last week.  We chose one thing (suppositories)... and later through careful consideration between my husband and I chose something else (letting nature take its course).  Something that feels right for us.  Something that we sought a second opinion on before deciding from a medical professional.  How we are handling to have this end... is my decision... that I made as a woman with my husband... that isn't up for discussion or criticism.

I no longer feel pregnant though... my symptoms have disappeared.  I have more energy.  My carpal tunnel which totally vanished during my pregnancy... was back this morning.  The diet cokes I couldn't wait to drink after our baby arrived... somehow don't taste as good now... as I thought they would.

I am learning that some people just don't know what to say.  I am learning that just saying "I am sorry" or not saying anything at all... is better that some of the things I have heard such as ...

"Everything happens for a reason" - This doesn't make someone who has suffered a loss feel better.  While everything may happen for a reason, it doesn't always provide comfort.

"You didn't really lose a baby because it wasn't formed" - To us it didn't matter... it still hurts.

"It will happen again... do not worry" - Easier said than done.

"I would wait before trying again... if you hurry, you might stress too much about what happened" - See... the person who told me to wait before trying again... they were never asked, they just took it upon themselves to offer up that bit of advice. I never asked anyone (other than my husband) when we should try again.

My husband and I had a great (tear-free) conversation last night about what is happening to us.  We discussed as a couple our wishes, our timeline, and our plan for our family.  We are still disappointed.  We are still sad.  I still have cried every day since our appointment last Thursday.  But we are also hopeful...and excited...for our future...and nervous...and scared.

When the pain you feel is beyond your words...

I am supposed to be planning for a baby.  I am supposed to be creating this amazing idea I had for a Christmas card this year to announce to all of our friends and family that we are having a baby.  I had our new blog designed to be A Dozen Years Later because we aren't supposed to be Just the 3 of Us anymore...

We've known since Thursday October 13, 2011.  I got the positive test first thing in the morning.  I baked cupcakes with pink and blue sprinkles and wrapped up the PREGNANT test in a cute little gift bag for Chris to open when he got home so I could share with him and Maddie we were finally going to have a baby... after months of heartache and trying. 

November 9th, 2011 - Today was supposed to be a great day.  I had my first obgyn appointment and they were going to do a sonogram.  According to my calculations I should be 7 weeks 6 days pregnant today.  When I went in for the sonogram... the technician started moving the wand around and it was very apparent to me there was nothing there.  She kept looking and looking.  She said she saw a yolk sac... which a baby should be in and insisted based on those measurements the baby should be 7 weeks 3 days... which really isn't that far off from my calculations.  I pretty much got no answers today.  They sent me home and I go back next week for another sonogram.  I am trying really hard to not lose hope... but it is hard and it sucks.  I just want to drink a big ole cherry coke zero (which I cut out the day I found out I was pregnant) and climb into my bed until next week.

November 10th, 2011 - I went to bed at 6 PM last night...and cried most of the day today.  Off and on.  Madison doesn't know a thing is wrong... and I am dreading having to tell her.  I am absolutely dreading it and wish it could be avoided at all costs.  While I understand certain people tend to me optimistic... I appreciated a "keeping it real" email from a fellow blogger who I have corresponded with for some time now.  I told her before any of my real life friends because we had talked about struggles conceiving and other things before.  Knowing she recently suffered from a miscarriage/blighted ovum I reached out to her this morning via email for some insight.  The whole "maybe you are earlier than you thought" is bullshit.  I know I am not.  I have been calculating EVERYTHING for close to a year... I know when it happened.  It wasn't earlier... or later... I know when it happened.  And I knew when the lady put the wand in and the screen was an empty black hole... that my darkest fears had come true.  So now I sit and wait... either for my body to physically and visibly let me know things have ended... or I wait for the bullshit that next week will be when I have to sit in a waiting room of babies and moms who are visibly pregnant only to be told what I already know today is true... that this baby just didn't make it... it never really formed as it should have.  Then I get to walk out...passing the babies and the pregnant moms again... as I walk to my car... no further along in this journey than I was months and months ago when each month my period would come... I thought then... the months when I was certain I was pregnant and my period came... that those cries... that that heartache was the worst pain I had ever felt.  I was wrong.

November 17, 2011-We had our follow up appointment today.  I was seriously making myself so sick right before... My heart was beating faster than it ever has.  We walked in for the sonogram... and again... I knew.... an empty black hole of a uterus was on the screen... again she said she saw some what of a fetal pole... but she clearly wasn't as talkative as before... no printout was given to us of our baby.  I knew.  We had to then wait for our nurse's appointment.  I joked with Chris that they were playing Paper Rock Scissors in the back to determine which one had to come out to tell this couple there was no baby.  A doctor actually came in to talk to us...sat down and said "Well I am sorry I do not have better news for you".  Then I lost it.  I had expected it... I had prepared for it, but I still lost it.   We didn't have a blighted ovum... there was the beginnings of a baby that had started to develop until around 6 weeks or so... there was an unstable fetal pole she said.  Then she said something about it being nature's way of working things out... and then I wanted to punch her.  Yes lady... you are probably right... but don't say that to me.  We have decided to forgo the D & C at the hospital and have decided to use suppositories at home to finish the miscarriage process at home.  We are sad and we are broken.  I am most sad to tell Maddie. Yet I know I cannot put it off forever... we have to tell her.

So here we sit... 16 months to the day when we got married... realizing the baby we have known about for five weeks... the baby we had already named... the baby who has two sleepers already hanging in the closet... the baby we had wanted so desperately, had dreamed of bringing home, who we had pictured sitting in our living room holding... is not to be.   And as much as we want to add to our family... I don't know when I will have the strength and energy to try again.