I AM THE FACE - October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I am 1 in 4.

 

So many other women I know are too.

 

Today... like most days I think of the pregnancy we lost - it is never really far from my mind.   I still think is is especially difficult because we haven't gotten pregnant since our loss - but we are working on it.   I also think of friends and family members I know who have lost a pregnancy, who have lost babies... and the ones who have lost both a pregnancy and a baby. 

 

It sucks.  It is sad.  It is so unfair.  

I am 1 in 4.

 

I Will Never be the Same

It is really no secret that we want a baby.  Or that we have been forgoing birth control since our wedding on July 17, 2010.  Or that we got pregnant last September and miscarried in November. 

Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant for so many months has made me feel sad, angry, desperate, jealous, frustrated, and worthless.

 

  I remember a few days after learning I was pregnant, saying to my husband, "If something happens to this baby... I will never be the same".  Of course at that time I didn't really think we would lose our baby.  Looking back, I don't think I realized how accurate that statement was...  I will never be the same.

Struggling to conceive and then losing our baby once we finally did get pregnant has changed me.   It has made me cry way too many days to count.  It has made me a hermit.  It has made me act like a total bitch some days.  It has made me crazy.

I am sick and tired of the way struggling to conceive and loss has made me feel.  I am sick of being so sad all of the time.  I am sick of crying.  I am just not myself.

And so even though we want a baby we aren't trying any more.  At least not for now.  Until I can regain my emotional stability.  This was 100% my choice and decision. And I have the oddest sense of peace about it.  Like I can relax and enjoy my life again.  I am not glued to the fertility calendar... to the scheduled days... to the every waking thought being about having a baby.

And if for some crazy smidgen of a chance we conceive during this break... then so be it.  We will be thrilled and overwhelmed and super happy.  Because in the end a healthy viable pregnancy with a healthy baby being delivered at the end is our end goal, but making that my # 1 goal... my only goal... for months... has destroyed me.  It has caused tremendous strain on our marriage. 

I just need a few months where every single thought of every single day isn't about conceiving and carrying a baby.  I need to focus on other things. 

I need to find myself again. 

Constant Reminders of What Should've Been...

Yesterday was the first day since November 9th that I haven't cried.  November 9th was supposed to be my first appointment... where I left with all sorts of pregnancy information and a little sonogram picture that I could take home and use to create our Christmas cards.  But that isn't what I left with...

The hits keep coming...

I really wish Baby Center who I have unsubscribed from...and emailed... would stop sending me updates on the baby I am no longer having... because I can guarantee what they think my baby looks like now... is no longer accurate.

And I am kicking myself for signing up for a free subscription soon after I found out I was pregnant to Baby Talk magazine... because that arrived in the mail today-

And I am not sure how I ended up on an email list for a formula company... but those emails could stop coming too...because there are no family beginnings happening in this house...

Then of course this bill comes in the mail today.  We have pretty good health insurance through my husband's employer that we pay A LOT for each week.  When I pay A LOT for our health insurance I don't expect to pay A LOT of additional expenses out of pocket.  I got a bill today for $311.63.  Now I had three different sonograms.... one on the 9th (where I was told my dating was wrong...it was too early...come back in a week), one on the 17th (where I was told nope... we were wrong...there isn't a live baby in there... and there hasn't been for some time), and one on December 2 (yep... all is clear... there are no more baby remnants inside of you?.  I expected to be hit hard out of pocket for the sonograms.  What I am having trouble swallowing... is the $120 fee... knocked down to $80.71 for our appointment with the OBGYN that took place after our second appointment...which went like this -

We waited and waited and waited to see someone.  She came in, sat down, and told us there was no baby.  That it had most likely died around six weeks.  As I sat there sobbing... she never offered me a tissue...instead I wiped my tears on my jacket.  She gave me three prescriptions and offered very little guidance for how to take the Cytotec to get the miscarriage going... didn't give me a sheet of paper with directions, nothing... Most of what she said was a blur... and I ended up Googling at home a week later before I used it to make sure I knew what to expect.   When I asked her what may have caused it... she insisted we come back in for a consultation prior to trying again... even though I had just seen my doctor back home for the same in July.  She made me feel like it was my fault. She offered us no answers, no sympathy, and no hope...and now I owe $80 for that?  It wasn't until out third ultrasound (which we haven't even been billed for) that I was able to meet with a doctor who had some compassion, who listened to my story, who listened to my plan for the future, and who offered me a tissue when I began to cry.   

I want to go a day without constant reminders of what happened... I just want to move on. 

Good News & Rude News

{I wrote this on Friday afternoon...}

This afternoon was my follow-up sonogram/appointment from the miscarriage.  I made the decision to stop at Target and Panera on the way in to the city.  About ten minutes into my trip someone cut me off... I then proceeded to spend the next ten minutes crying.

After a successful Target trip, I treated myself to a tasty lunch at Panera.  It is one of my favorite places.  Then I headed to the obgyn office.

Where I got to sit down in an office of pregnant women and moms with new babies.  Fun.  This lady and her mother walk in, she checks in, and I hear her ask at the desk if she is here for a check-up or just to talk to the doctor as a follow-up from her surgery.  She then asks about getting a letter about returning to work.  She looks sad and somber and has a seat near me.  A few minutes later a visibly pregnant woman and her husband walk in, go to sit down, and the pregnant woman recognizes this other woman.  She goes over to her, tells her how sorry she is, asks her how she is feeling...and THEN... she tells the woman (who has obviously just suffered a loss) that she is in fact here for her 20 week appointment.  I thought the other woman was going to lose it.  I almost started crying... my heart going out to this woman... who not only had to sit in this office (like me) knowing she wasn't expecting a baby but this "friend" of hers comes in... and then states the obvious.  I muttered "what an idiot" and just sat there...feeling so sad for this other lady...who like me was just waiting to be called back into a room.

This time I was brought back to a different sonogram room... this time the big screen on the wall was not turned on.  Once the sonographer left so I could get dressed, I looked at the printout.  It appeared to me there was no longer a sac... but I am no doctor.  I was sent back out to the waiting room...and within a few minutes I was called back again to meet with the doctor.

My husband and I were not impressed with the doctor we saw on the 17th who told us 100% there was no more baby.  Not so much for the news she shared, but for the way in which it was presented.   She was cold and withdrawn.  She let me sit there sobbing...wiping my tears on my jacket...and she never offered me a tissue.  I went in today knowing I would be seeing someone else, but fully ready to ask for a copy of my records because we would be going elsewhere for a future pregnancy.

Well the doctor I saw today was fabulous.  She listened to me... listened to my experience... offered me a tissue when I cried... and showed me compassion.  That was all I wanted the other week.  A little compassion.  She let me know everything was "cleared" and looked fine.  She asked about our journey to parenthood.  She asked about my birth with Madison.  She listened to me.  She heard me.  She gave me the go ahead to conceive again whenever I felt I was emotionally ready.  She agreed to see me again early on when we conceive again to see how things are going as she said she knew how comforting just knowing things were okay would be for the next time.  She actually is not an OB, so she wouldn't be able to deliver our baby, however when I explained to her our experience with the other doctor, she offered names of other practitioners in the practice she felt I would like.  I left feeling better...feeling hopeful...feeling like I mattered as a person and a patient.  I will be writing and sending her a thank you note.  I appreciate how she made me feel today.

I got in the car to find the song "I'll Be Missing You" on the radio...which was a little weird because it's a pretty old song. I felt good for once... Then i proceeded to cry most of the way home (it is about a 40 minute drive)

I will be okay.  I know we will eventually get the baby we want so desperately.  I am not sure when that will be.  I am not sure when I will feel emotionally ready... sometimes I feel like it will be next week... sometimes I feel like I will never be.  But I know I will.

Really??

I am pretty certain I unsubscribed from these weekly emails last week... But then this ended up in my email today... Ugh...

I WAS Doing So Well... {and wedding cookie favors}

Yesterday I worked from 9-4.  After our Monday morning meeting my boss kept me on and asked me if I would be interested in more hours in 2012 (like TWELVE more) and of course I said yes.  Then I proceeded to tell her she most likely saved me from being forced by my husband to go back to work full-time. I am really enjoying my job...and even more so because I get to stay home.  I feel so fortunate to have this job.

Around 11 AM I felt like I was on labor while sitting at the kitchen table working.  No lie.  Contraction like pains...and lots of pressure.  It was BAD.  The physical pain of the miscarriage hasn't been that painful since early Friday morning of last week.  I loaded up on some prescription strength Tylenol and finished my work shift.

I worked on a cookie job yesterday as well for my cousin's wedding that is this weekend.  The cookies are going in the out of town guests bags.  I had labels designed from the great Etsy shop, The Preppy Ladybug. I had to run out last night to get bags for the packaging... I had three sizes which I thought would work... one was way too big and the other two were too small.  Luckily I got in and out of the store quickly with the right sized bags.  I loved the way they turned out and I hope the bride and groom enjoy them... I packed some extras for them.  I sent them off overnight from the post office this morning.

Chris, Madison, and I were invited to the wedding but decided not to attend as of yesterday...which I feel TERRIBLE about.  However, I still feel pretty wrecked both emotionally and physically.  This morning when I woke up I was in the kitchen making breakfast  I froze and became hunched over the counter and couldn't move.  The pains from yesterday were back and oh so bad.  After being able to move to a chair, some orange juice, and some more tylenol...they have remained fairly scarce and mild the rest of the day.

Aside from the physical issues... I am trying to be more upbeat, positive, and to get stuff done around our house.  I was having a great day today... I worked from 10-2...then I logged onto Facebook.  I have a cousin... who I love dearly...who is EXACTLY one week ahead of where we should be in our pregnancy.  She is 12 weeks today.  I should be 12 weeks a week from today.  Today she posted her first trimester had ended and she got to here her baby's heartbeat...and well I lost it.  Absolutely lost it. Now I have a headache...feel like crap...and want to get in bed.

I am sort of thankful I don't have to go to this wedding this weekend and see her.  Or hear about her baby to be.  I hid her posts on Facebook took.  I feel like a big bitch.  Oh well.  I know in time it will get easier and I will be able to be happy for other people who have what I should have, but right now, in this very instant I cannot be.

I am going back to the doctor's on Friday for a follow-up.  Sitting in an office with new babies and pregnant women should be a fun way to spend my Friday afternoon.

I WAS doing so well...

Exposing Myself...but not in the weird way...

I have been writing about this for awhile now...but they always stay as drafts.  I went back and forth before even posting this…but then I realized if I cannot share my true feelings on my blog…then why have it? So this won’t be a recipe, or a funny photo from work, or about my Pinterest obsession…it will be about something my husband I have been dealing with and pretty much keeping it to ourselves for a few months now. 

 

I am sick of being sad, angry, frustrated, and confused. I am sick of being jealous of other women’s pregnancies and babies. I am sick of not feeling like I can’t even look at babies when we are at stores or restaurants. I am sick of my daughter pointing out every single baby she sees and telling me how cute they are and not knowing how to tell her it breaks my heart even more when she does it….because she really loves babies and is excited and wants a sibling. I am sick of wanting a baby with every ounce of my being and every single month being sad…so sad…that it is starting to really affect my home life.

 

So today I figured enough was enough…and I scheduled an appointment with my Obgyn/nurse practitioner who I love and trust and know I can be perfectly 100% open and honest with about how this has been making me feel…which is like total shit.

I ordered two books from Amazon  [I wrote this last week and just posted today...but they both arrived today and I cannot wait to read them}–

Infertility Survival Handbook - while I haven't been diagnosed as infertile...and could be jumping the gun... I still felt this would be an informative book to read.

Waiting on Daisy 

I am going to work on getting healthier…so I am in the best possible condition to bake a baby. I am going to eat better and move more.  I am going to get more rest.  I am going to work on relaxing and not getting stressed out.

 

I do realize that I already have more than some who are struggling to have a baby. We do have an eleven and a half year old daughter who we love and are so thankful to have her. However it doesn’t make this hurt any less...  I guess I never thought this would ever be an issue...so I never imagined how lonely and isolating this could be.