I AM THE FACE - October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I am 1 in 4.

 

So many other women I know are too.

 

Today... like most days I think of the pregnancy we lost - it is never really far from my mind.   I still think is is especially difficult because we haven't gotten pregnant since our loss - but we are working on it.   I also think of friends and family members I know who have lost a pregnancy, who have lost babies... and the ones who have lost both a pregnancy and a baby. 

 

It sucks.  It is sad.  It is so unfair.  

I am 1 in 4.

 

I Will Never be the Same

It is really no secret that we want a baby.  Or that we have been forgoing birth control since our wedding on July 17, 2010.  Or that we got pregnant last September and miscarried in November. 

Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant for so many months has made me feel sad, angry, desperate, jealous, frustrated, and worthless.

 

  I remember a few days after learning I was pregnant, saying to my husband, "If something happens to this baby... I will never be the same".  Of course at that time I didn't really think we would lose our baby.  Looking back, I don't think I realized how accurate that statement was...  I will never be the same.

Struggling to conceive and then losing our baby once we finally did get pregnant has changed me.   It has made me cry way too many days to count.  It has made me a hermit.  It has made me act like a total bitch some days.  It has made me crazy.

I am sick and tired of the way struggling to conceive and loss has made me feel.  I am sick of being so sad all of the time.  I am sick of crying.  I am just not myself.

And so even though we want a baby we aren't trying any more.  At least not for now.  Until I can regain my emotional stability.  This was 100% my choice and decision. And I have the oddest sense of peace about it.  Like I can relax and enjoy my life again.  I am not glued to the fertility calendar... to the scheduled days... to the every waking thought being about having a baby.

And if for some crazy smidgen of a chance we conceive during this break... then so be it.  We will be thrilled and overwhelmed and super happy.  Because in the end a healthy viable pregnancy with a healthy baby being delivered at the end is our end goal, but making that my # 1 goal... my only goal... for months... has destroyed me.  It has caused tremendous strain on our marriage. 

I just need a few months where every single thought of every single day isn't about conceiving and carrying a baby.  I need to focus on other things. 

I need to find myself again. 

Such Sadness {Not About Me}

One of the blogs I follow through Google Reader and Facebook shared a friend's blog post today about the loss of her sweet baby girl who was born just 1 days shy of 26 weeks. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

If you want to read her blog - go {here} but please be forewarned she shares some photographs in her recent posts that may be hard for some people to view... they are sweet photos of her baby girl... but they may be hard to look at.  So please read/view at your own risk. 

My heart aches for this family... that I do not know... that I have never met... for the loss of their baby girl.  So if you are pregnant... embrace it.  If you have a newborn baby... hold it a little bit closer tonight.  If you have an older child... give it an extra hug tonight.  Whatever your situation is... be thankful... because not everyone is as lucky as you are.

When the pain you feel is beyond your words...

I am supposed to be planning for a baby.  I am supposed to be creating this amazing idea I had for a Christmas card this year to announce to all of our friends and family that we are having a baby.  I had our new blog designed to be A Dozen Years Later because we aren't supposed to be Just the 3 of Us anymore...

We've known since Thursday October 13, 2011.  I got the positive test first thing in the morning.  I baked cupcakes with pink and blue sprinkles and wrapped up the PREGNANT test in a cute little gift bag for Chris to open when he got home so I could share with him and Maddie we were finally going to have a baby... after months of heartache and trying. 

November 9th, 2011 - Today was supposed to be a great day.  I had my first obgyn appointment and they were going to do a sonogram.  According to my calculations I should be 7 weeks 6 days pregnant today.  When I went in for the sonogram... the technician started moving the wand around and it was very apparent to me there was nothing there.  She kept looking and looking.  She said she saw a yolk sac... which a baby should be in and insisted based on those measurements the baby should be 7 weeks 3 days... which really isn't that far off from my calculations.  I pretty much got no answers today.  They sent me home and I go back next week for another sonogram.  I am trying really hard to not lose hope... but it is hard and it sucks.  I just want to drink a big ole cherry coke zero (which I cut out the day I found out I was pregnant) and climb into my bed until next week.

November 10th, 2011 - I went to bed at 6 PM last night...and cried most of the day today.  Off and on.  Madison doesn't know a thing is wrong... and I am dreading having to tell her.  I am absolutely dreading it and wish it could be avoided at all costs.  While I understand certain people tend to me optimistic... I appreciated a "keeping it real" email from a fellow blogger who I have corresponded with for some time now.  I told her before any of my real life friends because we had talked about struggles conceiving and other things before.  Knowing she recently suffered from a miscarriage/blighted ovum I reached out to her this morning via email for some insight.  The whole "maybe you are earlier than you thought" is bullshit.  I know I am not.  I have been calculating EVERYTHING for close to a year... I know when it happened.  It wasn't earlier... or later... I know when it happened.  And I knew when the lady put the wand in and the screen was an empty black hole... that my darkest fears had come true.  So now I sit and wait... either for my body to physically and visibly let me know things have ended... or I wait for the bullshit that next week will be when I have to sit in a waiting room of babies and moms who are visibly pregnant only to be told what I already know today is true... that this baby just didn't make it... it never really formed as it should have.  Then I get to walk out...passing the babies and the pregnant moms again... as I walk to my car... no further along in this journey than I was months and months ago when each month my period would come... I thought then... the months when I was certain I was pregnant and my period came... that those cries... that that heartache was the worst pain I had ever felt.  I was wrong.

November 17, 2011-We had our follow up appointment today.  I was seriously making myself so sick right before... My heart was beating faster than it ever has.  We walked in for the sonogram... and again... I knew.... an empty black hole of a uterus was on the screen... again she said she saw some what of a fetal pole... but she clearly wasn't as talkative as before... no printout was given to us of our baby.  I knew.  We had to then wait for our nurse's appointment.  I joked with Chris that they were playing Paper Rock Scissors in the back to determine which one had to come out to tell this couple there was no baby.  A doctor actually came in to talk to us...sat down and said "Well I am sorry I do not have better news for you".  Then I lost it.  I had expected it... I had prepared for it, but I still lost it.   We didn't have a blighted ovum... there was the beginnings of a baby that had started to develop until around 6 weeks or so... there was an unstable fetal pole she said.  Then she said something about it being nature's way of working things out... and then I wanted to punch her.  Yes lady... you are probably right... but don't say that to me.  We have decided to forgo the D & C at the hospital and have decided to use suppositories at home to finish the miscarriage process at home.  We are sad and we are broken.  I am most sad to tell Maddie. Yet I know I cannot put it off forever... we have to tell her.

So here we sit... 16 months to the day when we got married... realizing the baby we have known about for five weeks... the baby we had already named... the baby who has two sleepers already hanging in the closet... the baby we had wanted so desperately, had dreamed of bringing home, who we had pictured sitting in our living room holding... is not to be.   And as much as we want to add to our family... I don't know when I will have the strength and energy to try again.