Monday, February 6, 2012

I Will Never be the Same

It is really no secret that we want a baby.  Or that we have been forgoing birth control since our wedding on July 17, 2010.  Or that we got pregnant last September and miscarried in November. 

Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant for so many months has made me feel sad, angry, desperate, jealous, frustrated, and worthless.

  I remember a few days after learning I was pregnant, saying to my husband, "If something happens to this baby... I will never be the same".  Of course at that time I didn't really think we would lose our baby.  Looking back, I don't think I realized how accurate that statement was...  I will never be the same.

Struggling to conceive and then losing our baby once we finally did get pregnant has changed me.   It has made me cry way too many days to count.  It has made me a hermit.  It has made me act like a total bitch some days.  It has made me crazy.

I am sick and tired of the way struggling to conceive and loss has made me feel.  I am sick of being so sad all of the time.  I am sick of crying.  I am just not myself.

And so even though we want a baby we aren't trying any more.  At least not for now.  Until I can regain my emotional stability.  This was 100% my choice and decision. And I have the oddest sense of peace about it.  Like I can relax and enjoy my life again.  I am not glued to the fertility calendar... to the scheduled days... to the every waking thought being about having a baby.

And if for some crazy smidgen of a chance we conceive during this break... then so be it.  We will be thrilled and overwhelmed and super happy.  Because in the end a healthy viable pregnancy with a healthy baby being delivered at the end is our end goal, but making that my # 1 goal... my only goal... for months... has destroyed me.  It has caused tremendous strain on our marriage. 

I just need a few months where every single thought of every single day isn't about conceiving and carrying a baby.  I need to focus on other things. 

I need to find myself again. 


B. Wilson said...

I'll never be the same either, my friend. I was not able to find the peace quite like you have. I am definitely hoping pregnancy just randomly happens. ;)

Erin said...

You will definitely be in my prayers as you seek peace and a new way to live life fully again.

Jane said...

I hope you can find the peace that you are looking for. Continued prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey praying for you!

Eyes Wide Open said...

It's so true, the invisible scar that is left on your soul after losing a pregnancy. I long to go back to the days when I was excited to start a family, not immeasurably sad. I think it's the best choice you can make, to take care of you. We did the same thing and took a much needed 7 month break before trying again. I think we're headed towards another break again, because I'm just starting to lose steam.
Enjoy your "me" time with a margarita in hand (I can shoot you the name of the two best margarita places in town! just let me know).