Thursday, November 17, 2011

When the pain you feel is beyond your words...

I am supposed to be planning for a baby.  I am supposed to be creating this amazing idea I had for a Christmas card this year to announce to all of our friends and family that we are having a baby.  I had our new blog designed to be A Dozen Years Later because we aren't supposed to be Just the 3 of Us anymore...

We've known since Thursday October 13, 2011.  I got the positive test first thing in the morning.  I baked cupcakes with pink and blue sprinkles and wrapped up the PREGNANT test in a cute little gift bag for Chris to open when he got home so I could share with him and Maddie we were finally going to have a baby... after months of heartache and trying. 

November 9th, 2011 - Today was supposed to be a great day.  I had my first obgyn appointment and they were going to do a sonogram.  According to my calculations I should be 7 weeks 6 days pregnant today.  When I went in for the sonogram... the technician started moving the wand around and it was very apparent to me there was nothing there.  She kept looking and looking.  She said she saw a yolk sac... which a baby should be in and insisted based on those measurements the baby should be 7 weeks 3 days... which really isn't that far off from my calculations.  I pretty much got no answers today.  They sent me home and I go back next week for another sonogram.  I am trying really hard to not lose hope... but it is hard and it sucks.  I just want to drink a big ole cherry coke zero (which I cut out the day I found out I was pregnant) and climb into my bed until next week.

November 10th, 2011 - I went to bed at 6 PM last night...and cried most of the day today.  Off and on.  Madison doesn't know a thing is wrong... and I am dreading having to tell her.  I am absolutely dreading it and wish it could be avoided at all costs.  While I understand certain people tend to me optimistic... I appreciated a "keeping it real" email from a fellow blogger who I have corresponded with for some time now.  I told her before any of my real life friends because we had talked about struggles conceiving and other things before.  Knowing she recently suffered from a miscarriage/blighted ovum I reached out to her this morning via email for some insight.  The whole "maybe you are earlier than you thought" is bullshit.  I know I am not.  I have been calculating EVERYTHING for close to a year... I know when it happened.  It wasn't earlier... or later... I know when it happened.  And I knew when the lady put the wand in and the screen was an empty black hole... that my darkest fears had come true.  So now I sit and wait... either for my body to physically and visibly let me know things have ended... or I wait for the bullshit that next week will be when I have to sit in a waiting room of babies and moms who are visibly pregnant only to be told what I already know today is true... that this baby just didn't make it... it never really formed as it should have.  Then I get to walk out...passing the babies and the pregnant moms again... as I walk to my car... no further along in this journey than I was months and months ago when each month my period would come... I thought then... the months when I was certain I was pregnant and my period came... that those cries... that that heartache was the worst pain I had ever felt.  I was wrong.

November 17, 2011-We had our follow up appointment today.  I was seriously making myself so sick right before... My heart was beating faster than it ever has.  We walked in for the sonogram... and again... I knew.... an empty black hole of a uterus was on the screen... again she said she saw some what of a fetal pole... but she clearly wasn't as talkative as before... no printout was given to us of our baby.  I knew.  We had to then wait for our nurse's appointment.  I joked with Chris that they were playing Paper Rock Scissors in the back to determine which one had to come out to tell this couple there was no baby.  A doctor actually came in to talk to us...sat down and said "Well I am sorry I do not have better news for you".  Then I lost it.  I had expected it... I had prepared for it, but I still lost it.   We didn't have a blighted ovum... there was the beginnings of a baby that had started to develop until around 6 weeks or so... there was an unstable fetal pole she said.  Then she said something about it being nature's way of working things out... and then I wanted to punch her.  Yes lady... you are probably right... but don't say that to me.  We have decided to forgo the D & C at the hospital and have decided to use suppositories at home to finish the miscarriage process at home.  We are sad and we are broken.  I am most sad to tell Maddie. Yet I know I cannot put it off forever... we have to tell her.

So here we sit... 16 months to the day when we got married... realizing the baby we have known about for five weeks... the baby we had already named... the baby who has two sleepers already hanging in the closet... the baby we had wanted so desperately, had dreamed of bringing home, who we had pictured sitting in our living room holding... is not to be.   And as much as we want to add to our family... I don't know when I will have the strength and energy to try again.

6 comments:

Just the Two of US said...

Oh honey! I'm praying for you! God will work things out!

Debbie said...

Melissa, My heart is breaking for all three of you. Nothing I say can help, but know I am here and honestly mourn with you.
You will never forget this baby but in time, you will walk out of that office with sonogram pictures of your future child(ren).
I know its hard to wait, believe me I know, I waited almost 15 years...but it is so worth it.

B. Wilson said...

Heartbreaking, my friend. I'm so sorry. There is no excuse good enough that warrants your heartbreak or sadness. Thinking of you and mourning with you during this frustrating/sad/depressing/unfair/unfortunate/crappy time. I do understand the feeling. Too well, I'm afraid.

I hope time speeds up like it's never sped before.

LiNdZ FiTz said...

i am so sorry to hear the news. much love to you and chris, you will be in my prayers.

Kaitlyn said...

I am so sorry Missy. I cannot even imagine, I hope your pain will heal soon.

Holly said...

I don't know you, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

The doctor's comment about "nature's way of working things out" was extremely insensitive. That was an awful thing for her to say.