Saturday, December 3, 2011

Good News & Rude News

{I wrote this on Friday afternoon...}

This afternoon was my follow-up sonogram/appointment from the miscarriage.  I made the decision to stop at Target and Panera on the way in to the city.  About ten minutes into my trip someone cut me off... I then proceeded to spend the next ten minutes crying.

After a successful Target trip, I treated myself to a tasty lunch at Panera.  It is one of my favorite places.  Then I headed to the obgyn office.

Where I got to sit down in an office of pregnant women and moms with new babies.  Fun.  This lady and her mother walk in, she checks in, and I hear her ask at the desk if she is here for a check-up or just to talk to the doctor as a follow-up from her surgery.  She then asks about getting a letter about returning to work.  She looks sad and somber and has a seat near me.  A few minutes later a visibly pregnant woman and her husband walk in, go to sit down, and the pregnant woman recognizes this other woman.  She goes over to her, tells her how sorry she is, asks her how she is feeling...and THEN... she tells the woman (who has obviously just suffered a loss) that she is in fact here for her 20 week appointment.  I thought the other woman was going to lose it.  I almost started crying... my heart going out to this woman... who not only had to sit in this office (like me) knowing she wasn't expecting a baby but this "friend" of hers comes in... and then states the obvious.  I muttered "what an idiot" and just sat there...feeling so sad for this other lady...who like me was just waiting to be called back into a room.

This time I was brought back to a different sonogram room... this time the big screen on the wall was not turned on.  Once the sonographer left so I could get dressed, I looked at the printout.  It appeared to me there was no longer a sac... but I am no doctor.  I was sent back out to the waiting room...and within a few minutes I was called back again to meet with the doctor.

My husband and I were not impressed with the doctor we saw on the 17th who told us 100% there was no more baby.  Not so much for the news she shared, but for the way in which it was presented.   She was cold and withdrawn.  She let me sit there sobbing...wiping my tears on my jacket...and she never offered me a tissue.  I went in today knowing I would be seeing someone else, but fully ready to ask for a copy of my records because we would be going elsewhere for a future pregnancy.

Well the doctor I saw today was fabulous.  She listened to me... listened to my experience... offered me a tissue when I cried... and showed me compassion.  That was all I wanted the other week.  A little compassion.  She let me know everything was "cleared" and looked fine.  She asked about our journey to parenthood.  She asked about my birth with Madison.  She listened to me.  She heard me.  She gave me the go ahead to conceive again whenever I felt I was emotionally ready.  She agreed to see me again early on when we conceive again to see how things are going as she said she knew how comforting just knowing things were okay would be for the next time.  She actually is not an OB, so she wouldn't be able to deliver our baby, however when I explained to her our experience with the other doctor, she offered names of other practitioners in the practice she felt I would like.  I left feeling better...feeling hopeful...feeling like I mattered as a person and a patient.  I will be writing and sending her a thank you note.  I appreciate how she made me feel today.

I got in the car to find the song "I'll Be Missing You" on the radio...which was a little weird because it's a pretty old song. I felt good for once... Then i proceeded to cry most of the way home (it is about a 40 minute drive)

I will be okay.  I know we will eventually get the baby we want so desperately.  I am not sure when that will be.  I am not sure when I will feel emotionally ready... sometimes I feel like it will be next week... sometimes I feel like I will never be.  But I know I will.

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