Constant Reminders of What Should've Been...

Yesterday was the first day since November 9th that I haven't cried.  November 9th was supposed to be my first appointment... where I left with all sorts of pregnancy information and a little sonogram picture that I could take home and use to create our Christmas cards.  But that isn't what I left with...

The hits keep coming...

I really wish Baby Center who I have unsubscribed from...and emailed... would stop sending me updates on the baby I am no longer having... because I can guarantee what they think my baby looks like now... is no longer accurate.

And I am kicking myself for signing up for a free subscription soon after I found out I was pregnant to Baby Talk magazine... because that arrived in the mail today-

And I am not sure how I ended up on an email list for a formula company... but those emails could stop coming too...because there are no family beginnings happening in this house...

Then of course this bill comes in the mail today.  We have pretty good health insurance through my husband's employer that we pay A LOT for each week.  When I pay A LOT for our health insurance I don't expect to pay A LOT of additional expenses out of pocket.  I got a bill today for $311.63.  Now I had three different sonograms.... one on the 9th (where I was told my dating was wrong...it was too early...come back in a week), one on the 17th (where I was told nope... we were wrong...there isn't a live baby in there... and there hasn't been for some time), and one on December 2 (yep... all is clear... there are no more baby remnants inside of you?.  I expected to be hit hard out of pocket for the sonograms.  What I am having trouble swallowing... is the $120 fee... knocked down to $80.71 for our appointment with the OBGYN that took place after our second appointment...which went like this -

We waited and waited and waited to see someone.  She came in, sat down, and told us there was no baby.  That it had most likely died around six weeks.  As I sat there sobbing... she never offered me a tissue...instead I wiped my tears on my jacket.  She gave me three prescriptions and offered very little guidance for how to take the Cytotec to get the miscarriage going... didn't give me a sheet of paper with directions, nothing... Most of what she said was a blur... and I ended up Googling at home a week later before I used it to make sure I knew what to expect.   When I asked her what may have caused it... she insisted we come back in for a consultation prior to trying again... even though I had just seen my doctor back home for the same in July.  She made me feel like it was my fault. She offered us no answers, no sympathy, and no hope...and now I owe $80 for that?  It wasn't until out third ultrasound (which we haven't even been billed for) that I was able to meet with a doctor who had some compassion, who listened to my story, who listened to my plan for the future, and who offered me a tissue when I began to cry.   

I want to go a day without constant reminders of what happened... I just want to move on.