Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Exposing Myself...but not in the weird way...

I have been writing about this for awhile now...but they always stay as drafts.  I went back and forth before even posting this…but then I realized if I cannot share my true feelings on my blog…then why have it? So this won’t be a recipe, or a funny photo from work, or about my Pinterest obsession…it will be about something my husband I have been dealing with and pretty much keeping it to ourselves for a few months now. 

I am sick of being sad, angry, frustrated, and confused. I am sick of being jealous of other women’s pregnancies and babies. I am sick of not feeling like I can’t even look at babies when we are at stores or restaurants. I am sick of my daughter pointing out every single baby she sees and telling me how cute they are and not knowing how to tell her it breaks my heart even more when she does it….because she really loves babies and is excited and wants a sibling. I am sick of wanting a baby with every ounce of my being and every single month being sad…so sad…that it is starting to really affect my home life.


So today I figured enough was enough…and I scheduled an appointment with my Obgyn/nurse practitioner who I love and trust and know I can be perfectly 100% open and honest with about how this has been making me feel…which is like total shit.

I ordered two books from Amazon  [I wrote this last week and just posted today...but they both arrived today and I cannot wait to read them}–

Infertility Survival Handbook - while I haven't been diagnosed as infertile...and could be jumping the gun... I still felt this would be an informative book to read.

I am going to work on getting healthier…so I am in the best possible condition to bake a baby. I am going to eat better and move more.  I am going to get more rest.  I am going to work on relaxing and not getting stressed out.


I do realize that I already have more than some who are struggling to have a baby. We do have an eleven and a half year old daughter who we love and are so thankful to have her. However it doesn’t make this hurt any less...  I guess I never thought this would ever be an I never imagined how lonely and isolating this could be.


B. Wilson said...

We have different battles but what we're after right now is the same. I don't (yet, hah) face infertility but I have a very good friend who spent 3 years pouring money and every ounce of her being into having a baby. She is pregnant now and it seems to be successful.

You aren't alone and people do understand your struggle. There are gobs of IF blogs out there which I'm sure you found. They even help me see through this struggle of loss because we all ultimately want the same thing and patience is not something any of us really have.

Hang in there? Rest assured you are not alone.

Just the Two of US said...

Keep your head up. I'm praying for you!

Keenkamsmom said...

Don't give up! I have a friend who went through the same thing except she didnt already have a child. She had been married previously and tried to have a baby with no success. She has now been married for a little over a year to her current husband and was still having no success so she ended up going to some sort of specialist. It ended up that she had some sort of polyps or something that were preventing her from becoming pregnant and now she is 8 months pregnant with a baby girl. She had really lost hope and was sure that she would never have a biological child of her own and now she has everything that she has always wanted. So don't lose hope and just talk to the people who specialize in this kind of thing and you will get your answer. I'm sure there is probably a simple solution and it might take a little longer but it will happen.

~Christy~ said...

Big hugs to you! We went through this for 3 years before we were blessed enough to conceive Bella. We had actually given up and then OOPS. :-) I know everyone tells you to stop trying and it'll happen...I HATED it when people told me that. So, I'll just say that I'm praying for you and I'm here if you need to talk about it. <3

Erin McGinnis said...

Oh Melissa my heart aches with you. We traveled down the road of infertility and it's a sad, lonely and frustrating road. There are so many variables and so many possibilites as to why it could be so hard to get pregnant. It may not even be your body, who knows. Sounds like you are heading in the right direction with meeting with your OBGYN and getting some books. May I also recommend "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". It was so good and informative. I learned SO much about my body. I was also a member of FertilityFriend website during those 2 and a half years that it took us to get pregnant with Logan and I found such support there. I'm also here for you if you ever need to talk or vent.

Erin said...

I'm really sorry that you guys are going through this, and I hope that you are blessed with a baby soon!!